


asdfghjkl

by superangsty



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Drunk Texting, I'm Sorry, I'm laughing so much as this fic, M/M, Texting, implied Ed Miliband, it's late and i'm tired and this is the second fic I've written today, this entire fic is literally just texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2015-05-15
Packaged: 2018-03-30 17:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3945598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superangsty/pseuds/superangsty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>William Sherlock Scott Holmes, if you do not answer your bloody phone I swear to every god people believe in that I will hunt you down and keep you locked up so that I don’t have to wonder WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO ANSWER THE PHONE. – MH</p>
<p>Or, the texting adventures of Mycroft Holmes and Greg Lestrade</p>
            </blockquote>





	asdfghjkl

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [asdfghjkl (Russian Translation)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8570071) by [ThePeripheralLight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePeripheralLight/pseuds/ThePeripheralLight)



Sherlock, answer your phone. We need to talk. – Mycroft Holmes

Sherlock. – MH

William Sherlock Scott Holmes, if you do not answer your bloody phone I swear to every god people believe in that I will hunt you down and keep you locked up so that I don’t have to wonder WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO ANSWER THE PHONE. – MH

**_Hello, Mr Holmes. Your idiot of a brother left his phone at New Scotland Yard. I think he’s at home now, would you like me to get hold of him? – Detective Inspector Lestrade_ **

No thank you, Detective, that’s quite alright. It’s nothing urgent. – Mycroft Holmes

**_I had assumed by the screaming that it *was* urgent. – Lestrade_ **

It really is nothing important. Family things to attend to, that’s all. – Mycroft Holmes

And I was not “screaming”. I was merely using caps lock to emphasise my point. – Mycroft Holmes

**_Okay then. He’s actually just walked in again, so goodbye, Mr Holmes. – Lestrade_ **

**_What were YOU doing talking to LESTRADE??? – SH_ **

**_And what was it that you’re clearly so desperate to talk to me about? – SH_ **

I was talking to the detective because he was kind enough to take care of your phone for you. – Mycroft Holmes

And Mummy wanted to know if you were coming to dinner for our father’s birthday. – Mycroft Holmes

**_Of course I’m not. Don’t be ridiculous. – SH_ **

~~You’re breaking their hearts, Sherlock – Mycroft Holmes~~ [MESSAGE DELETED] ~~~~

 

~***~

****

**_Mr Holmes? This is Lestrade. I hope you don’t mind that I asked Sherlock for your number.._ **

Not at all. Is there anything you needed? – Mycroft Holmes

**_Not really. Haven’t seen you loitering outside crime scenes for a while._ **

**_Don’t suppose you fancy going for a pint?_ **

My apologies, Detective, but I’ll be out of the country for the next few weeks. And I don’t drink beer. – Mycroft Holmes

**_Don’t worry about it. I guess I’ll see you when you get back._ **

 

~***~

 

**_Your brother is an idiot. Can you come sign him out so I can release him from the holding cell?_ **

On my way. – Mycroft Holmes

**_Bring coffee. I haven’t slept in 24 hours._ **

I’ve arranged for your shifts to be moved. You have the next two days off. Please get some sleep. – Mycroft Holmes

**_You are way too powerful for your own good._ **

**_Thank you._ **

Anything for you, Detective. – Mycroft Holmes

 

~***~

 

**_Why do you always sign off texts with your full name?_ **

Does this message serve any purpose other than to enquire about my texting habits? – Mycroft Holmes

Is it not standard convention to sign off each message? - Mycroft Holmes

**_No, no it’s not._ **

Oh. I’ll stop, then. – MH

**_Well, I suppose that’s better than nothing._ **

 

~***~

 

**_Would you maybe like to meet up for coffee sometime?_ **

I have a coffee machine in my office. Why would I leave my office when I can get my own coffee right here? – MH

**_~~I meant like a date, idiot.~~ _ **

**_[MESSAGE DELETED]_ **

**_Fair enough._ **

****

~***~

 

**_There’s that new film out in cinemas that looks pretty interesting. Wanna go see it?_ **

Sorry, Gregory, I can’t. I’m busy with work. – MH

Also, ‘that new film’ could be referring to any number of things. You should be less vague. – MH

**_Never mind._ **

**_Has Sherlock talked to you recently? I haven’t heard from him in a while._ **

He is…’unavailable’ at the moment. I’ll let him know you asked after him, I’m sure he’ll appreciate that. – MH

**_No, he won’t._ **

**_I’ll email over a couple of cold cases for him to look at._ **

**_Wouldn’t want him to get bored in that hospital, would we?_ **

If you knew where he was, then why did you bother asking? – MH

**_Just curious to see what your reaction would be._ **

****

~***~

 

Sorry, Eddy. I’m caught up at work because of that mess Dave made last week. Do you mind if I set our reservations back an hour? – Myc x

**_Um, Myc? Wrong number._ **

Ah. Sorry, Gregory. That message was, quite clearly, intended for someone else. – MH

**_Obviously._ **

**_So who’s Eddy? Boyfriend?_ **

Not exactly, no. – MH

**_But sort of?_ **

**_Eddy and Dave… that’s a funny coincidence._ **

**_Wait, you work in government._ **

**_OH MY GOD._ **

**_OH. MY. GOD._ **

**_O H M Y G O D_ **

If you plan on staying in your job, I recommend you tell nobody about what we’ve just discussed. – MH

**_You… and Ed… are dating?_ **

I agreed on one date. – MH

And only to stop my mother pestering me about my relationship status. – MH

I assure you, there is nothing going on there. – MH

**_…but he’s gay?_ **

Of course he is. Have you MET the man? – MH

**_Suddenly a whole world of possibilities has opened up to me…_ **

Please try and refrain from attempting to seduce him. He’s not nearly as interesting as you might think. – MH

 

~***~

 

**_WhhHHhhYYyyy dont u liek me_ **

**_I try n try but noooooooooooooooooooooogsdzgidooo all u want is st00pid eddy boy_ **

**_I haf axed u on soooo meny dates_ **

**_Evn jon kwons I laik u_ **

**_Rgs.i lknxcZ:/dfge_ **

**_I wwwnt to kiss u_ **

**_All v time_ **

**_Ever time I c u_ **

**_But I want mor den kssss_ **

**_Want ur fine ass_ **

**_ygiheoLKNDFAHmjt[q_ **

**_arjtd\jzhfg_ **

**_I loooooooooovvveeeeeeeee u_ **

****

~***~

 

**_Any chance that you didn’t get any of my messages from last night?_ **

Would it be better if I said I had no idea which messages you’re talking about? – MH

**_But then I’d know you were lying._ **

Sorry. I saw everything. – MH

Perhaps you should avoid using your phone when inebriated. – MH

**_Would that I could, Myc._ **

…

Did you mean it? – MH

What you said right at the end. – MH

**_Could we not have this discussion now? I am too hung over for this._ **

…

Answer your door. – M x

**_You brought me coffee and doughnuts._ **

Indeed. – M x

Now that we’re facing one another, is it really necessary to keep texting? – M x

**_I suppose not. Hand me the coffee._ **

I love you too, just by the way. – M x

**_Raeh;dfjlfoytuyhb_ **

As lovely as that kiss was, you spilled the coffee. I’ll go get us some more. – M x

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this!
> 
> As always, please leave comments below to tell me what you think, or you can message me on my [tumblr](http://superangsty.tumblr.com)!


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